Two nights ago I traced three patterns, and last night I cut them out. All of them. They're sitting on my sewing table right now, as I'm at work.
I like to keep busy. I don't like to be stagnant and I like to have things weighing on my mind--if I have an obligation to something, anything, I know I'm doing alright. But I tend to worry that I have too many obligations, that one day, they're all going to fall off and tumble around me. And what if I let someone down? What if I let myself down? I don't even like to feed Eleanor late; something much larger than a half-can of Friskies could fail and it would be my fault.
So I create projects. I buy fabric, paint, embroidery floss. I create lists and spreadsheets. I blog (sometimes) and drop off film. I promise gifts and volunteer for potlucks and assignments, knowing too well what I already have on my calendar. Just stay busy. Don't stop. Don't sit. Work. Keep your head down. Be quiet.
I wonder what it's like to be able to create your schedule, to have more than three hours a day not devoted to work or sleep (true story). To have a garden, to have a dog, to see sunlight in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. I wonder what it's like to go out to dinner or have friends over. But I don't wonder for long: there is dinner to be made, a shirt to be sewn. There are things to do, and I must do them.
I'm doing alright, don't worry about me. In the small moments between projects, I have a few minutes to wonder, to think about what the future holds, and I make my plans. I don't know if they'll hold true or if they'll change before the time comes, but for now, they keep me busy.